Sakuya X Sakuya
by Yuuki F
Summary: A series which explores an introverted aroace.
1. Preface & TOC

Preface

I originally had two different stories published along with another one (and two half unfinished and probably going nowhere stories) fully written but unpublished in my drafts all with the same theme of talking about my headcanon of an introverted aromantic/asexual Sakuya. I realize now that the third story remained unpublished because I thought it was too similar to the other two stories that I had already published here.

Thus, it made sense to weave them as part of the same Sakuya. So, I just decided to anthologize them all together here. I understand this destroys the previous reviews others had left for the previously two independent series, and I lament and apologize for that, but I'd rather have a central place that I can keep adding to this theme as I want. To me, it really made too much sense to officially combine the stories.

TOC

Chapter 1: Preface & TOC

What you're reading now.

 **Introversion Two-shot**

Chapter 2: Coffee Break

How Sakuya really uses closed space.

Chapter 3: Dressing Patchouli.

Patchouli and Sakuya talk about introversion.

 **Aromantic's Bildungsroman Two-shot**

Chapter 4: Koakuma's Warmth

Sakuya is a conscientious observer to Koakuma's love.

Chapter 5: Sakuya's Empathy

Sakuya tries to come to an understanding of her own thoughts about this. 


	2. Coffee Break

Remilia looked off out of the window into the distance as Sakuya settled the saucer and teacup beside her. Her head rested sideways on her arm propped up on the table as Sakuya poured out the tea.

Her gaze unchanging, Remilia mouthed in a bored fashion, "I think we might have company tomorrow."

Sakuya nodded.

"A party, something like that."

"Mistress is getting a little lonely?"

Remilia shrugged, her gaze still not meeting Sakuya's, still looking outside, "Something like that. Don't you ever feel cooped up and get cabin fever, Sakuya?"

Remilia's head paused right in the middle of turning her head to look at Sakuya. She went a dull gray as she became frozen. Like a pop, the world went into a sullen black and white mode. Sakuya left the tea on the table as she leaned her back looking at Remilia's frozen ligatures.

Sakuya had paused time, losing her posture in the process.

She answered to the still, statue Remilia, "No."

She ran a hand through her hair as she walked out of the room, letting her posture falter in the paused time space, and yet even though she had all the time she wanted, she was still walking rapidly and without patience. Remilia had upset her.

She sighed, _I'm mad._

 _Worse of all, I don't fully understand why._

Well, there was a reason for her anger in situations like these, but she had more been concerned about what the deeper reason behind it all was. That reason was that she could only handle being around people for so long. What others took as a serious personality and a straight-talking demeanor...in reality it was because she, not always, but more often than not, was biding her time with them.

She reached the kitchen, locally let time flow for a moment as she poured a glass of water from a nearby glass, and slammed into a nearby chair before leaning back on two legs. She let out another sigh. The pressures that had made her walk so quickly to get to this room had dissipated, as if she had reached some safe point. She wanted to relax a bit. And so, she spaced out.

She stared up at the wood-beamed ceiling, sipping from a plain, tepid cup of water. The silence of closed space surrounded her completely. What was she doing, exactly? In a world filled and molded by relationships, she felt like a misshapen puzzle piece. She just ended up staring off into the ceiling for some time, the back of her chair held steady by a kitchen counter-top, one arm left dangling, the other tightly gripping the cup of water. Her mouth curled into a frown.

Slowly, as she spaced off, her mind calmed down, she regained her senses, and she could finally ask herself, _Why was I so angry?_

She thought back on her conversation with Remilia, and the obvious answer came to her, _Oh. That's right. I was expecting to have tomorrow free._

 _I can enter frozen time whenever I want, but I still get upset with events like this_ , she sighed.

She had that thought quite often, and it did baffle how things like this would often upset her. But, she learned such occurrences were not isolated to her. Almost everyone she knew got irritated with minor inconveniences. Baking a cake only to drop it immediately after removing it from the oven. Realizing that you left something on the other side of the room. Likewise, having a party tomorrow was more of a very minor inconvenience than anything else. It wouldn't really, in the grand scheme of things, change how she would spend any normal day: alternating between closed and Gensokyo space depending on the need for a private moment and the need to remove her boredom.

Sakuya opened her eyes as she jolted her head forwards, _Well, let me enjoy my break at least._

She leaned forward, letting the chair front legs hit the ground and catapult herself forward and up. Most of the time, her closed time breaks could last anywhere from a few minutes to...well, she lost track. It was silly to try to measure time in a world defined by its lack.

She walked out the door of the kitchen into the hallway, and then down its dead, yet gleaming halls. The light beaming from the windows in the corridor hung on the lint frozen in the air. Her footsteps did not echo in closed space. Everything was a reminder of the strangeness of the space she spent the vast majority of her time in.

She was headed towards a spiral staircase near the mansion's perimeter that led to the bell-tower. A sidestep to an area that functioned well in normal life, yet almost never, ironically, gave the time of 'her' day. The red carpet trail down the corridor and the potted vases on small marble columns down the hallway made it seem not like time had been stopped, but merely that no one was alive other than Sakuya. It wasn't so much that time had stopped more as it had been that others ceased to be. As if every time Sakuya created closed space what she was really doing was destroying all life for her selfish little desire for a personal time out. At least, that would be what she would have told herself before, when she started to seriously consider the possibility of such a philosophical question and felt guilty about such things.

With such thoughts, she climbed the tower. Regular embrasures kept the tower well lit. And as she climbed, each one came and went in a steady pace. Each one lightened the pass as if it were creating its own unique display of dust motes: a diorama of Earth suspended in space and time. Soon enough she climbed up to the canopy of the bell-tower. There she took a moment to catch her breath.

Beneath her were the mansion grounds. A fine garden splaying out in front of her. Beyond that the forest and the lake of Gensokyo. A kingdom in miniature, but so high up that the people of it did not come in to focus. They were so covered by the foreground that they ceased to be. Yet, and this was the reason she came here, it was the only place she knew of nearby that remained with motion even when frozen. She could pause time all she liked, she could bend time and space at her will, but the landscape here was ever the same. She was at a distance where the trees could have been in motion, and even though they were not, they remained with an appearance that they were. A wasteland, devoid of life on one scale, yet remaining on the other.

She rested her head against the banister.

A lot of people had asked her, "What do you do in closed space?" A lot gave a little wink afterwards. And she tried answering with the truth long ago: that she really didn't do much of anything at all. People got upset at her when she replied this way though. They started giving her advice about what she should do with her time in this space. So, eventually she picked up a hobby. Not that she actually did it at all or was interested in it at all. It was more of a 'social convenience' hobby. A convenient lie. The kind of hobby that you could tell someone about that would generate conversation with them so they wouldn't feel awkward. The kind of hobby that made it easy for others to get presents for you. The kind of hobby that made you seem "well adjusted". But most importantly it was the kind of hobby that wasn't too hard to keep up on, if at all. Something that you could just sort of make up stuff on the spot about and the person you were talking to would believe you. It was one of Sakuya's own personal theories for the prevalence of sports.

But the truth is so often quite mundane.

In reality, she'd come and just space out like this. Staring out over a frozen landscape. Her mind fluttered from one thought to another without any semblance of concentration at all. She'd walk down empty corridors or just lay down in the middle of them and stare at the ceiling. It wasn't so much that she recharged herself. It was more like she recollected herself. Like a porcelain figure that had been cracked to pieces which had to glue itself together like some sort of Humpty-Dumpty every so often. She had been chastised for this. It was a waste of her time. It was a waste of her potential. And so on her interlocutors complained.

In a certain sense they were correct. She didn't remember anything special after these moments. In fact, more likely than not, such moments as these would be awash in the torrents of her memories, given that nothing particularly special happened during them. She did not know if she got anything from this, whether they were meditative at all. But there was almost surely something...spiritual? She couldn't quite put her finger on it. Almost as if, as ridiculous as it sounded, her purpose in life was to spend these beautiful, idle moments like these.

She propped herself up on the banister so her feet dangled.

It certainly didn't help start up conversations. "What do you do for fun?" "Oh well, I'm not sure it's so fun, but I like to space out for hours at a time looking at a vase or something." This was so ridiculous sounding that the one time she tried it it was received as a form of dry, sarcastic humor.

She dropped her feet back down on the balcony, _Why do I do this?_

Now she was dangling her arms over the side, letting her chin rest on the banister, _Do I get some sort of spiritual enlightenment from my element of focus?_

She looked back up at the landscape, as if she were inquiring some sort of spirit directly.

Nothing.

 _Regardless, I can't stop doing this, I feel a longing to do this. A wanderlust of sorts._

She felt at peace with it, but then again, she had felt at peace with it for some time now. However, it was a long time coming.

...

Remilia paused, feeling as if her heart had skipped a beat, "Sakuya?"

Sakuya took a deep breath, steadying herself, "Your tea, mistress."


	3. Dressing Patchouli

Sakuya had brought the daily cup of tea to the library, and began unloading the tea tray for Koakuma and Patchouli.

She gave a knowing glance to Koakuma, and after receiving an affirming nod, she addressed Patchouli, "Why don't you dress up Lady Patchouli?"

Patchouli scoffed, "Me? I may act naive, but I'm centuries old."

She waved a hand and looked away, "I'm just some ugly old hag."

Both Koakuma and Sakuya nearly replied in unison, "Noooo."

Sakuya walked behind Patchouli and put her hands on her shoulders supportively, "I think you forget that you're youkai."

Koakuma replied soothingly, "You're very pretty, Patchouli."

Patchouli replied wryly, skipping the conversational step where she would acknowledge that they were trying to cheer her up, "I'm not going to get out of this without you two playing dress-up with me, aren't I?"

Koakuma grinned maniacally as Sakuya nodded solemnly in affirmation, and both replied in unison, "Nope."

Sakuya looked at Koakuma for logistics, "She's a little shorter than both of us, so where do you think-?"

Patchouli interrupted, "Oh, alright, if you're going to do this..."

She got up and start motioning towards her room across from Koakuma's.

Koakuma, "Do you have many dresses?"

Patchouli shot Koakuma a glance, "I wasn't born wearing pajamas."

They entered Patchouli's room, and walked passed the smaller dresser and boudoir towards the clothes closet.

Sakuya replied, "So, m'lady has _two_ pairs of pajamas?"

She shot Sakuya a glance as Koakuma giggled.

She opened her closet. It was a surprisingly large walk-in closet, but it was...very dusty. Upon inspection of the clothing, it became apparent why. Looking through Patchouli's closet was like looking through time. It felt more like a museum than a closet for clothes.

"This...these are Roman sandals."

"Ah. The Byzantine empire lasted quite a long time, you know?"

"Oh! You have one of those Victorian butt-amplifiers!"

"...please don't call them that, Koakuma."

Sakuya pointed towards something in the back, "What...is that?"

"Ah. It's a dress of a small culture in an isolated part of Armenia...well, the name would do you no good. They no longer exist and they were wiped out nearly a century ago now."

Patchouli again found a chair in her room to sit down in. Meanwhile, the two paused as they looked through the dresses, some of them far too old to risk touching. Lest they should crumble suddenly.

Sakuya finally broke the silence.

"Just...where all have you been?"

"Well, the vast majority was in Eastern Europe. Pretty stereotypical for vampires. But, you know, there was a time before Remilia and myself knew each other."

"Would there be any human records during that time?"

Patchouli narrowed her glance, "Ha. Ha. Ha. You're certainly up for sarcastic replies today, aren't you?"

Koakuma and Sakuya rummaged through her closet some more. Yes there was a large selection, but there were two issues. The first, and much more kosher, polite, and politically correct issue was that these dresses were simply too _old_. They deserved to be hung on a museum, not on a person. The second was that...well, to put it bluntly, they were horribly out of fashion, they were ugly, and they were ratty. However, to Patchouli's credit, they _did_ at least fit her age (they wouldn't dare say that aloud, though). After a while, it became more and more apparent to Sakuya that she wasn't rummaging out of curiosity or honest commitment, but because she was buying time to try to put this in a tactful way to Patchouli.

Finally, she found a way.

"You have no kimonos?"

Patchouli shook her head, "No, I'm afraid I don't."

Sakuya narrowed her eyes, "Gensokyo is technically part of Japan, you're aware?"

"We live in a western style mansion Sakuya, it would hardly befit us."

Koakuma caught on to what Sakuya was doing and tried to help, she said to Patchouli, smiling, "This is _dress up_ , Patchouli."

Patchouli sighed, skipping a few conversational steps again, "You're trying to tell me my wardrobe is outdated."

They both nodded.

"You want to go _shopping_."

Koakuma was nodding vigorously.

"I have no way out of this, don't I?"

They both nodded. This time, Koakuma and Sakuya hooked an arm of Patchouli's.

Sakuya craned her head around Patchouli to Koakuma as they struggled nonchalantly to get Patchouli out the door of her library, "Didn't you want to bring Lady Remilia along too?"

Patchouli gave a shocked expression to Sakuya and screamed internally, "NO. NO NO NO NO NO!"

Koakuma smiled at Patchouli's torment, "Yes."

She paused and smiled larger, knowing that she was going to get payback for this, "Of course."

Patchouli's mind began racing, _I can manipulate multiple youkai tribes into a peace settlement, but I can't figure out how to get out of a game of dress up?!_

Unfortunately for Patchouli, Remilia happened to be right outside the door to the library, "Oh? Shall we go now?"

Patchouli's body at once resigned to her fate, as Koakuma happily replied, "Yup!"

Patchouli skipped the conversational steps of her trying to bargain her way out of this, "All three of you planned this from the start."

All three sighed exasperatingly in unison, now that their plan had come this far, "Yes."

Koakuma sighed, "When you mentioned your own closet, we were actually afraid it might ruin the whole plan."

Sakuya noted, "It actually took us a month."

Koakuma added, "It took us a while to notice how you subtly manipulate people's schedules."

Remilia added, "There _might_ have been some fate stream manipulation as well."

Patchouli noted internally, _Well, at least I know my skills having been fading that fas-_

Patchouli glanced up in shock as she interrupted her internal monologue, "Remi! You can't manipulate the fate stream for something so trivial as a girls night out! Don't you remember any of the other times you used it frivolously?!"

She coughed at her outburst, this was already too much for one day.

Remilia sighed, "Yeah yeah, I know, I got a little too involved in it, I guess."

Sakuya decided to make an admission for the sake of her master's pride, "There might have also been time stream manipulation."

Patchouli looked at Sakuya, "You manipulated space, time, and reality itself to try to get me outside?"

Koakuma also made an admission, "Also, the new shipment _did_ arrive, and I may have just neglected to tell you..."

Patchouli immediately forgot about possible grave consequences to the space-time-reality continuum and gave Koakuma a look of horror.

Then, on a dime, all three immediately smiled, "Well, what's done is done!"

And they began carting Patchouli forcibly out.

Patchouli let herself be carried as she thought to herself, _I still have quite a few backups that I could utilize to get out of these. Seven plans, each with very high probability to refold reality in my favor and let myse-_

Another thought interrupted her chain of thought that involved risking the gambit of existence in this universe for the mere possibility of being able to remain in the library further as she glanced at her merry interlocutors, _Perhaps...perhaps this is best. I should keep those backups as they are. After all, if these simpletons are willing to go so far as to manipulate reality itself, I'm not quite sure if its worth me causing them to cause destruction of the fold of reality itself._

She glanced to their gleaming faces, _I have the existence of the universe in my hands simply because these fools want to play dress up with me._

For a few brief moments, Patchouli balanced the pros and cons of letting the universe continue to exist. Insanity and genius tend to be companions.

Patchouli sighed, acquiescing. She could think of worse fates. And in the end it was better to save her aces than play them out of something so silly. Also, Patchouli thought to herself, _I guess I should do things like this for Remi every once in a while..._

But she still couldn't afford to let them know that.

"I hate you. I hate you all."

They made their way to the stables as Koakuma and Sakuya readied the stagecoach while both Remilia and Patchouli boarded. Patchouli in particular bearing a particular look of foreboding as she sat on the sofa inside the stagecoach.

Then her mind stopped for a moment.

"Remi?"

Remilia looked over with a surprised face as she was settling down herself.

"I thought you were taking me to the stagecoach."

Remilia chuckled, "Oh, but Patchouli, this _is_ the stagecoach."

She looked around. It was a room. She knew the one Remilia used on business was big, but she didn't know it was _this_ big. Also, she didn't quite remember it looking like this...

Patchouli paused, remembering the accounts.

 _Ah, that's right, this must be the second one._

Patchouli shook her head. It felt like a frivolous waste of money.

Patchouli stopped mid thought, _FEELS like a frivolous waste of money?! It IS a frivolous waste of money!_

"Wouldn't it have been better to have used the regular stagecoach?"

"Oh, but the servants typically use that one for errands."

Patchouli groaned internally.

Remilia replied nonchalantly, "Besides, we have it so we might as well use it."

Patchouli internally screamed, _No! That's not right at all! The depreciation that occurs with each time of use or better yet just sell-!_

She shook her head and gave up. In the end, she always gave Remilia what she wanted. Even if it did make her inner accountancy scream bloody murder.

 _She's probably going to take me to some really ritzy clothing store. Some place run by an ego-fueled two-bit fashion diva._

She didn't even want to think of the price tags with such a place. Custom tailoring is one thing. Custom tailoring from an expert in the field was quite another. She recalled the last time she had a dress fitted was in Greece. Ironically, almost immediately after she had organized a large shipment of alum from Turkey, she ended up buying a few ducats of it right back to fit Remilia's little order.

However, noting upon her destination, she also noticed that the stagecoach wasn't moving. In fact, the trio of Remilia, Sakuya, and Koakuma were still flitting about.

Patchouli asked, "Is something the matter?"

Remilia turned around, "Well, it seems like it will be a long trip, so I'm wondering whether we should bring along the quartet or not..."

Patchouli wanted to scream.

 _At this rate it will take just as much time_ _ **preparing**_ _to get there as getting there!_ Patchouli thought, _Wait...since when did we have a quartet?!_

She shook her head, she simply couldn't handle _this_ much extravagant waste.

"I'm going," she got up to leave the stagecoach.

At once, Remilia began pushing her back down, "Oh no no no, you aren't getting away that easily."

A vein pulsed in Patchouli's head, "I know that. I mean that I'll go to the town, and I'll meet you there."

Koakuma retorted, "But by foot it's going to be-"

Patchouli screamed, waving her arms, "Everyone here can fly!"

No reaction. The other three were frozen in place.

So, Patchouli repeated herself, dropping her arms and adopted a deadpan delivery, "We can all fly."

 _Which begs the question of why we keep_ _ **two**_ _stagecoaches, but one thing at a time...one thing at a time._

They all paused. It took a while for them to realize that they didn't really have any need to be ostentatious.

Koakuma mouthed, "Oh, yeah."

Patchouli left the stagecoach and walked out to the garden before lifting herself up.

"So...which way was town again?"

Sakuya unfurled an umbrella for Remilia, ignoring the fact that Patchouli did not know where the nearest town even was, "Follow the road going south."

"Right."

And, within a few moments the flour floated freely into the air and began flying to the south.

Koakuma asked, "Is this your first time going to the human village, Patchouli?"

Remilia interjected, "No, we've been there before, Koakuma."

Patchouli nodded, "Mostly legal affairs, but yes."

Koakuma replied, "So, did you not like it?"

Patchouli wobbled her head in thought for a bit before replying, "Indifferent, I guess."

Remilia explained, "Patchy just doesn't really get the same enjoyment over travel and terrestrial tourism as most of us do."

Patchouli nodded, "Yeah, something like that. Just different tastes."

Sakuya focused her gaze on Patchouli, "But...to such an extreme?"

"I wouldn't call it 'extreme'."

"When was the last time you left for the village?"

"A few years ago...?"

Sakuya gave an exasperated look, before Remilia came to her defense, "That's just Patchy's difference. If there's no real need to, then I don't see what the harm is."

Sakuya asked, "But, don't you get restless? Don't you just want to see new things and people every once in a while? Isn't it bad in the long run if you stay in a little bubble like that?"

Patchouli gave a surprised gaze to Sakuya, "I wouldn't expect you to be moralizing to the company of vampires, but if you must know...no, I don't think it's bad. I don't think of extroversion as a moral category or virtue. I think of it as a trait. It's a character trait which has its own distinct advantages and disadvantages like any other. You may be right, that at certain times it does me more harm than good. I mean, alright, if that's the way it will be. But, it's simply who I am and I have managed to adapt a lifestyle around it. I guess you could remonstrate me on the basis of whether it's healthy or not; however, I disagree with the ability you would have in remonstrating me over whether it will make me happier or not, or the philosophical leeway one has in discussing its ethical or moral aptitude. I understand that maybe others around me don't like it, because it doesn't interact with their social natures. But all that does is cause an irrefutable discussion of onus. Since I think that whether the onus lays on the introvert to be a socialite or whether the onus lays on the extrovert to remove themselves from the anti-socialite...they are two sides of the same coin. I guess all I am saying is that it is as much as a trait as my staying with Remilia, and quite frankly, I think that has had more of an impact than my introversion or extroversion does."

Remilia added, "I hope that it has been a positive one."

"My staying with you, or the introversion?"

"Both."

"Well, one of them has certainly been positive."

Koakuma interposed herself between them, "Stop flirting," she pointed to the tailor's, "We're here."

They landed in front of the store.

"Well, Patchouli, do you have anything you want?"

Patchouli rolled her eyes, "I don't know. Get a pair of bluejeans and...a cashmere sweater...or something."

The three stared at her, simultaneously wondering how someone could do fashion so horribly.

Remilia interjected as she turned her back to the group, entering the store, "We'll see if we can get something out of vicuna."

Patchouli wanted to explode, she made a giant "X" sign with her arms to Koakuma and Sakuya, "Don't let her do that, it's your jobs to make sure she doesn't bankrupt us!"

They nodded (ignoring that Patchouli didn't seem to care about the expense of cashmere, but understood vicuna) and escorted her inside.

At once, when they saw the wardrobe inside, both Remilia and Koakuma's eyes glittered. They had connected mentally over that bond that was the game of dress-up. Sakuya, however, seemed a lot more nonchalant about the whole matter.

Patchouli noticed this, and her eyes narrowed. In fact, throughout all of this, it was _Koakuma_ who kept a jovial, delighted tone. Sakuya was much more solemn, like a soldier, or an unwilling participant.

Patchouli glanced over to Sakuya, studying her body language, _Was she asking about my introversion...because she's wondering herself?_

Something about her mannerisms seemed to be off. Her aggressive nature seemed to match more of someone who was psychologically projecting or maybe at the very least lashing out in that way.

As the salesman "worked" with Remilia and Koakuma, Patchouli and Sakuya agreed to wait for what they decided to let her try.

In the meantime, Patchouli decided to pry to see if Sakuya was indeed trying to discover something about herself.

She asked, "Did _you_ want to do this, Sakuya?"

She shrugged, "It was really more of Koakuma and Remilia's idea."

Patchouli opened her mouth, and then closed it again, hesitating on whether to ask outright.

She decided to go for it, "Do you consider yourself an introvert, Sakuya?"

Sakuya grimaced and looked away slightly in shame.

Patchouli folded her lip, _Bingo._

"Well, it's just," she sighed before leaning forward and propping her head on her fist in The Thinker's pose, "I don't know."

Remilia and Koakuma came back with a pile, leaving Sakuya some time to reflect while Patchouli dressed.

She came back to sit down next to Sakuya as the two went off again. Patchouli could see that this was definitely a bonding moment between Remilia and Koakuma.

Once she sat down, Sakuya immediately replied, "I don't _hate_ people."

Patchouli couldn't help but give her an incredulous look, "Of course."

"But, I don't know, sometimes I like solitude."

"Would you say you like it quite often? Aren't you off with Remi quite a bit?"

Sakuya sighed, "I use closed space quite a lot."

Patchouli nodded, knowingly, "Ah, I see, and, do you feel guilty about that?"

Sakuya nodded slowly, "Yeah, actually, I do."

"Well, it's just," Sakuya suddenly straightened up her back, "I think about whenever I've grown as a person, and...it's not while I'm moping about in closed space. It's always some adventure that Remilia brings me on or, I mean-"

Patchouli interjected, "Your memories with others are what pass your rocking chair test, but they aren't what pass that test," and she pointed to Sakuya's heart.

Sakuya looked down at Patchouli's hand before slumping slightly again, "Yeah, I guess, something like that."

"But you," Sakuya turned to face Patchouli, "You've been to so many places in the world, don't you," she clenched her fist as if grasping at the air would provide the words she was searching for, "Do you regret it?"

Patchouli asked, "Regret my times of isolation amongst my travels?"

"Yeah, I guess maybe not 'regret', but more of a feeling of guilt?"

Patchouli crossed her arms, tapping her feet a little bit as in thought, "I think I used to," she nodded, as if she were affirming it herself, "I used to feel guilty. But, I don't know, I couldn't help but..."

She cocked her head as she sighed, "When we'd travel, Remi would be the one to light up. I would," she paused, looking out of the corner of her eye as she thought for a moment, "I guess I felt a sort of sad enviousness."

Sakuya asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well," Patchouli uncrossed her arms, "I'd look at Remi and I'd notice how it seemed from her emotional reaction that she was perceiving so much more of the world than I was, and getting so much more innately than I was, and, I had this realization of," she paused for a moment to collect her thoughts, "This was more of an indication of who I was than who Remi was, and that I wouldn't get the same joy out of things that she would, which," she shrugged, "I guess is kind of a depressing thought, in a way."

Sakuya sighed, "Yeah, I get that."

"You feel jealous?"

"Yes."

Koakuma and Remilia interrupted their dialog, as they had come back with a pile of clothes.

Sakuya took one glance at what they were thinking about, and blurted, "I thought you were going to get a kimono."

Patchouli shot Sakuya a glance of disbelief, before Sakuya realized what she had done. Sakuya palmed her face against her forehead before moving it back, stroking her hair. But, upon noticing each other's malcontent, they realized that, in fact, their conversation was making the time pass quite quickly.

Thus began round two.

Patchouli leaned back in a nearby chair as Remilia and Koakuma went back and bonded some more, commenting to Sakuya, "If I didn't know better, I'd have thought you did that on purpose to talk to me more."

Sakuya shook her head, "But I didn't because I know where you are at pretty much any time if I did want to talk to you."

Patchouli nodded, "It's alright."

She reminded Sakuya, "You were saying that you felt jealous."

Sakuya shrugged, "It's pretty much like you said, I'm envious that it seems to come so easily to others."

"You know, I've met others who were envious of us."

Sakuya shot her an incredulous look.

Patchouli shrugged, "We have the ability to handle long periods of solitude and examination. If you're not careful, even someone like Remi-or I should say _especially_ someone like Remi-can fall into a drunken depression in a few days otherwise."

She extended a hand in emphasis, "All I'm saying is that the two sides have their trials and tribulations. The ability to focus on one thing leads to the ability to focus on another. It doesn't have to be looked at as a disadvantage, that's all I'm saying."

Patchouli pointed a finger at Sakuya, "But I want to return to something you said earlier. You said you feel like your rocking chair moments were with other people. I have to mention that, I'm different from you even in this regard."

Sakuya nodded her head, she was about to bring up the same thing.

Patchouli explained, "A lot of my rocking chair moments are solitary."

Sakuya sat up straight, "That's...don't you think that that's bad for you?"

Patchouli gave a complacent shrug of the eyebrows and tilted her head slightly, "I'm not telling you a judgment of what one ought to do or what I think I should do, I'm just telling you how I feel."

"Yeah, but, if you worked at it, you could-"

Patchouli narrowed her eyes as he voice flattened, "Change how I feel about it?"

Sakuya shrugged, "Yeah."

"I don't know if that is possible, to be honest, I feel like I just spent a lot of time hating myself whenever I tried that."

Patchouli could see this quickly turning into a sermonizing occasion the moment Sakuya would inevitably ask her what she tried doing, so she changed the focus, "A rocking chair moment is not _necessarily_ something you did that you find virtuous, it's just something that you can't forget having enjoyed."

"That," Sakuya crossed her arms, "I don't agree with how you're defining that."

Patchouli sighed, she didn't want the conversation to take this turn, but she wanted to make her point perfectly clear. She edged her chair other to Sakuya.

"Listen, Sakuya, I am a youkai, right?"

Sakuya looked at Patchouli, "...yes?"

As she leaned in, her posture pushed her chest out as she curled her chin up, "And you are a human, right?"

Sakuya nodded, but Patchouli continued, lightly grasping Sakuya's chin, and she continued to talk as if her voice were rasping into a snake, "It's in my nature, to desire you as something much more than a mere maid. The lust for human blood extends beyond that of mere vampires."

She paused, slowly lowering her gaze and she let her finger drift away from Sakuya's chin as it slowly recoiled back into her fist. Then-as if someone had snapped their fingers-she returned back to her seat, "But I don't act on them."

She shrugged, "Am I a bad person for the bad feelings I sometimes harbor? Or should I be judged for acting or not acting upon them?"

She sighed, "Likewise, I didn't like coming along with you all here. I mean no offense by that, I want to be honest with you about that, but my having these feelings doesn't mean that I can't act against them."

The two sat in a contemplative silence for a while. They were both somewhat surprised they had not even gotten to the stage where Patchouli would be trying out clothes yet.

Seeing as how they had devolved into a rather informal setting, Sakuya blurted out, "Oh my god, choose a dress already."

Patchouli blasted out in laughter with that comment.

~One moment, girls are fitting...~

Satisfied with their purchase-well, Koakuma and Remilia were, the four left from the building, rising in to the air as Sakuya and Koakuma carried a load of bags. Both Sakuya and Patchouli drifted towards the back, talking to each other still.

She look straight at Patchouli, "I mean, don't you feel the same way? A day like today, didn't it make you happy?"

"The problem with arguments like that, and the problem with arguments of 'You won't know if you don't try it,' is the problem of the seen and the unseen. Making an argument on the unseen is not a proof, but merely switches the onus, and leaves the same underlying confusion."

"You're not answering the question."

"If you had given me the foresight of the experiences of today...I would have preferred to stay at the mansion," Patchouli waved her hand apologetically, "I don't mean that condescendingly, or to say that I hate your company, but merely to relate my preference."

Sakuya tilted her head, "Right, you've made that argument before."

"Well, did you, Sakuya?"

"I mean, our conversation was nice."

Patchouli nodded, but tilted her head, "Well, yeah..."

Sakuya picked up on her body language, "That wasn't the question you were going after?"

Patchouli tilted her head back to the other direction, "Yeah..."

She tried again, "If it was a typical night out with Remilia. With her usual partying self, do you think you would like those sort of affairs?"

Sakuya looked off into the distance, gathering her thoughts before replying as if her answer surprised her, "No."

And for the remainder of the flight, having made a fitting conclusion, the two stayed in silence.


	4. Koakuma's Warmth

"Pst!"

Koakuma waved to Sakuya. It appeared that Koakuma was on break and she wanted to start their usual 'gossip corner'. Sakuya gave a quick look around before leaving her cart in the hallway for the moment and giving a thumbs up to Koakuma. In turn, she nodded, and beckoned Sakuya to follow her to their usual spot: a small alcove in the back of the grand library next to the window, with a two ordinary chairs on opposing side of a circular table.

Koakuma immediately grabbed a seat, beaming at the Sakuya standing beside her.

She hopped straight into it, "So, Sakuya, are you interested in anyone?"

"...What do you mean?"

"Oh come on! You know what I mean! Do you have any crushes on anyone?"

Sakuya had gotten this question quite often, and she never seemed to give a satisfying answer, and she had gone through almost every permutation of answering (including giving a red herring of a name, which was a bad decision in retrospect). So, she opted for the simple truth this time.

"No."

Koakuma huffed, "Oh come on, **really**?"

 _Heeeere we go_ , Sakuya rolled her eyes.

She gave a despondent sigh, "No."

"Well, that's alright, I bet I can guess-"

Sakuya sighed, staring at Koakuma.

"When we went into town the other day-could it be that guy..."

Koakuma began naming off a list of names, to which Sakuya maintained her same, indignant, bored stare. She was really, really getting quite bored of this game. Every time Koakuma would say a name inquisitively, she'd stare at Sakuya for some time, trying to use her face like a lie detector. Each time she would be thwarted by Sakuya's face filled with increasing amounts of anger. And, of course, upon **any** shift in muscle mass, Koakuma was take it as a "Yes."

Sakuya sighed again, she should be able to take things like this in stride, and she knew that Koakuma was just doing what she thought a friend would do, but she did not feel it today.

After straightening back up again, Sakuya decided to try to end the torture somehow.

"Why are you bringing this up again, anyways?"

Koakuma asked, "Again?"

Sakuya grimaced, "I get asked that a lot, Koakuma."

"Oh."

"So, what, you finally have someone you like or something?"

Koakuma looked away, her face flushed red.

Sakuya was caught by her cute expression, _Well, now I can understand why people ask that question so much._

She thought back to what Koakuma asked her, deciding to reflect the question back, "It's someone in town, isn't it?"

Koakuma swiveled her head to Sakuya.

Sakuya smirked, she felt a lot better knowing that Koakuma's questioning was a simple case of psychological projection, "It's a guy, isn't it?"

Koakuma was mouthing like a fish until she suddenly clasped her hands over Sakuya's mouth.

Sakuya waited patiently until Koakuma backed down, sighed, and slumped over the table.

"Yes," she mumbled.

Sakuya blinked a few times, taking it in while thinking to herself, _I am kind of surprised that it's a guy, but I don't think I'll say anything about that..._

"When we went into town the other town the other day?"

Koakuma buried her face in her hands before squeaking, "Yes."

Out of all the thoughts that could have streamed through Sakuya's head, the only one came immediately through her mouth, "Huh."

She took a seat across the small table from Koakuma, "Have you talked with him at all?"

She nodded, uncovering her face, "I went to go talk with him after we left from the tailor's the other day."

She sighed, "It was Mistress Remilia's idea, actually."

"You've talked to Lady Remilia about it?"

Koakuma nodded, "She's actually quite knowledgeable about things like this."

Sakuya was about to nod in affirmation, but her brow furrowed, remembering her own mistress' guile and devilish ways, "She didn't...manipulate anything in particular, did she?"

Koakuma shrugged, "I don't think either of us would be able to know for sure. But, aside from her counsel, I don't think so."

Sakuya relaxed a bit upon hearing that.

Koakuma ran a hand through her hair, "I suppose you'll want me to talk about him."

Sakuya wobbled her head a bit before answering, "Well, yeah."

"Oh, but it's so embarrassing to talk about."

"Well, how about just letting me know who he is."

Koakuma was in full, awkward/adorable mode, "You'd probably know him as the baker's son."

"The baker's son?"

Koakuma nodded as Sakuya managed to keep a straight face over something so stereotypical. After all, Sakuya couldn't help but think that usually in fairy-tales the protagonist would fall in love with the baker's daughter. The entire affair was shaping up to something so parochial and innocent that she couldn't help but be enraptured by it.

 _The shy, reticent librarian and the baker's son,_ Sakuya smiled. It sounded far too innocent. Unreal, even.

Sakuya continued smiling, resting her chin against her fist as she leaned forward.

"Tell me about him."

Of course, Sakuya already knew about him having had to purchase supplies from there regularly for the mansion, but Koakuma nearly exploded as she related how nearly every detail normal to Sakuya became a wellspring of adoration for Koakuma. How every chance encounter Koakuma had with him turned into an adventure more believably told by Aesop than by Koakuma. Sakuya had viewed him as a rather average, level-headed boy who tended the shop and otherwise was part of the immutable background of life to her. Koakuma had seemed to transform him into some sort of superhero.

"And then he-"

Her voice trailed off before stopping completely, and with it, it almost seemed that her body went with it. As Koakuma wistfully gazed beyond the window in a stereotypical dreamy sigh, Sakuya couldn't help notice her different posture. Well, not posture precisely, but more like a very subtle shine in her eyes. A kind of soft happiness that radiated like a sunbeam playing through a windowsill.

"You really do love him, don't you?"

Without flinching or hesitating, Koakuma put down the hand she was resting her chin on, folding her hands together on the table beside her.

"Yes."

Sakuya's gaze subtly studied Koakuma even harder. She supposed that most other people would have congratulated Koakuma, or ratted her out, or advised her out of it. But out of the gambit of emotions that befall humans upon the sight of love, Sakuya just felt...intensely curious. It was as if Koakuma was tall enough to gaze through a telescope that Sakuya could not reach, but rather than look through a shorter telescope, she just wanted to hear the live action report.

She leaned forward to Koakuma, "How does it feel?"

She enunciated slowly, "Warm."

Sakuya let that sink in. She found that unconsciously her body was trying to imitate a slightly warm feeling. It was nice, but she still didn't quite understand. Moreover, she recognized now that her own interest in the incident was some manner of a projection of her own curiosity. She hadn't felt what Koakuma was feeling in the slightest, which raised interesting paradox: she wanted to ask her as much as she could, but given that she knew nothing about it, she had no idea about what to ask.

Only one question came to her mind, "Are you going to tell him?"

Without missing a beat, Koakuma shot a glance to Sakuya, "I must."


	5. Sakuya's Empathy

Sakuya found herself busily preparing dinner with the other fairies. Koakuma had left to go out to town the day before, doing what only Sakuya could guess was a very stereotypical first date. She looked out over the garden, still trying to wonder how it must be like. She still caught herself subconsciously trying to imitate the feelings that Koakuma had described to her.

But her thoughts were interrupted. The door behind her creaked, to which Sakuya cautiously put down the potato and the peeler to look behind her. It was Koakuma. Sakuya could see that she had a tightly regulated posture, almost shaking, similar to a bridge doing its best to hold up a heavy load. She had a face that was not downcast, but held up. She had eyes that were stoic, not teary or dead, but a mild strength that portrayed a vision of a life of heavy experience.

Sakuya could at least read the mood. She hushed the other fairies out, pulling out a chair for Koakuma as she closed the door behind Koakuma for her. The two sat down. Sakuya looked at Koakuma intently, but Koakuma could only gaze, for fear that the glance of any other being might crack a great dam.

She knew. Even though Sakuya held no experience personally, she had enough experience in life to of course at once knew what had happened. She also had no idea what to think or what to say. She felt completely hopeless. She was blind in a glass box, surrounded by a torrent of emotion, and she wanted so desperately to see. To see what it was that the pain that Koakuma was enduring. To understand in the slightest fraction what it was that she had been through. What could she say? She said nothing.

There was only silence between the two of them.

Koakuma's form eventually broke. Light tears rolling down her cheeks. She opened her mouth only to close it again, and then tightly close her eyes. Her fingers curled as she pushed her hands hard in to her knees. Only afterwards sobbing ever slightly.

Sakuya could not handle it anymore. She placed both her hands stacked atop one another on Koakuma's left hand.

"Koakuma, you-"

She broke down, face flopped on to the desk, crying. All guards and restraints were cut loose, suddenly, and at once. Her cognitive abilities left her entirely. Her hands gripping her hair as the table top became a mess of the standard panoply of fluids that occurred concurrently with sadness.

Sakuya just stared.

She simply had no idea how to react to the situation. She had no idea how to compensate. She was like the child searching for an adult upon seeing an injured friend. Moreover, she was surprised that...such an outburst was even possible. Such a welling of emotion for something that she felt she could not even begin to understand. Koakuma was crying about a performance on a stage that only she could see, and Sakuya was just left with wonder and envy though her face would be mistaken for a display of complete stoicism. The same face that most complimented for being "a perfect maid."

Eventually, some cerebral intelligence came back to Sakuya.

 _Koakuma..._ Sakuya tenderly placed a hand on her head.

 _I..._

That was the extent of her knowledge, she hung her head, _I really have no idea what you're going through._

Fortunately for Sakuya, like adults coming to a child's aid, Patchouli and Remilia entered. And (despite Koakuma being Patchouli's familiar) Remilia attended to Koakuma.

It was Patchouli who whispered in Sakuya's ear, "Come on..."

She gently pulled at Sakuya's shoulder, beckoning her to stand up and walk away, which Sakuya did, wordlessly.

An intense feeling of alienation and dissociation hit her. This was a scene in a drama or a puppet show, and the viewpoint of the stage happened to coincide with her eyes. It was just a play, and Koakuma just happened to be the name of a character in that play, and her love interest wasn't real, it too was just a character that was never actually revealed on stage. And Patchouli, the one gently escorting her out of the room, and Remilia too, they were just actors in a play. A very tragic play that Sakuya just perchance was watching.

But as they left the kitchen, and Patchouli closed the door behind them, the sound of the latch on the door caused the moment of depersonalization to flash to an end. Sakuya's gestalt switched, and she became aware of her silence and stoic posture yet again.

Sakuya looked over to Patchouli.

"What is going on?"

Patchouli gave Sakuya a half-smile. The kind of smile where the lips curl up and make all the physical characteristics of a smile, but instead convey the message of worry rather than happiness.

"That man told Koakuma that he didn't want to see her anymore."

Sakuya shook her head, "No...I mean...?"

She rifled her hand through her hair, but a latch from the door behind them interrupted her train of thought. It was Remilia and Koakuma, walking off to a more private room.

Patchouli and Sakuya watched as Koakuma walked away. They watched with such an impromptu and silent reverence that it was as though they were seeing a funeral procession.

As they turned about corner, Patchouli let loose a sigh, turning to go back to the library. Although, she noticed that Sakuya was still staring at Koakuma. She had a furrowed brow, and a look of far deeper thought than Patchouli anticipated Sakuya would have for the situation. A kind of introspective aura emanated from her in such a way that it only made Patchouli more curious. An aura that made Patchouli finally comprehend why Remilia had told her to tend to Sakuya instead of her own familiar.

She instead turned to Sakuya, "Are **you** alright, Sakuya?"

Sakuya continued to gaze off with an unfaltering posture, "I don't get it."

Patchouli twisted her eyebrows, "Excuse me?"

"What Koakuma is going through. I don't understand it."

Sakuya turned to Patchouli, "I must confess to you, Koakuma has confided in me the entire time."

Patchouli shrugged, "I believe we knew that, she is my familiar, after all."

Sakuya nodded, she was beginning to have quite the familiarity with Patchouli and Remilia's nigh-telepathic abilities, "Yes, well. As she related her experience, the entire time it seemed like she was crying out for sympathy more than anything. But, to be honest with you, I've had nothing close to the experiences she has had. She would tell me things...with the unwritten rule that I had experienced things similar though, and..."

Sakuya paused for words.

Patchouli finished her thoughts, "You felt a strong sense of dissociation with the world because of it."

Sakuya nodded her head, "Yeah," she released her breath slowly, pausing on that word before continuing, "But at the same time I am old enough that...I should have felt some at least physical attraction or love or what-have-you to **someone** , right?"

She bowed her head, "But I haven't. I truly haven't. And I don't know if I should be ashamed for not having felt that way, or if I am stunted and immature. Like I'm walled off from the actual world. Like I'm the only deaf person in the world."

Patchouli crossed her arms, "You think that you're losing out on a deeper connection with other people?"

Sakuya lifted up her head, "Yes, to an extent."

She retracted her hand before continuing, "You might hear other people say something like, 'You will find someone,' in response to what you just said and that might yet be true, but to be perfectly honest with you, there are some people who lack the sense of physical attraction, just as there happen to be a lot of women in Gensokyo who don't really care for Rinnosuke's kind...Koakuma apparently notwithstanding."

The two grinned at her last statement, but Sakuya took a forlorn expression again, "So, then, it really is like I'm deaf."

"I think it's more like you hear at a different frequency from other people."

Sakuya paused.

"Are you jealous?"

"You mean...do I covet Koakuma's emotions?"

Patchouli nodded.

Sakuya looked away for a moment, as if to place her thoughts momentarily on a scale to weight them, before clenching a fist to her heart, "No, I don't," she paused, momentarily surprised by her own answer, "But, if it that's powerful. If it's that great," she paused again, this time confused, "I guess I've come to wonder if...is it possible to **not** feel that?"

Patchouli shrugged, "I speak from experience Sakuya, some people do not."

Sakuya winced, "You're certainly not a romantic."

Patchouli replied, smirking slightly, "Well, you certainly sound aromantic."

Sakuya rifled a hand through her hair, a sudden realization of her self hitting her, "Really? You really think so? I mean, personally, I'm alright with that. But at the same time I can't help but feel...ashamed."

Patchouli hugged Sakuya, "Don't start down that path."

She grabbed Sakuya's hand, pulling it away from her hair before gently stroking it herself.

"We love you Sakuya, all of us here, me, Remilia, Koakuma. Don't look at the heavens so long that you forget that Eden is all around you."

Sakuya took the sweet gesture from Patchouli before awkwardly "unhugging", letting Patchouli understand that she had gotten the wrong meaning of her words.

"I understand that. What I mean is...is it bad that I **don't** covet or have what Koakuma has?"

"Her same ability for romantic love?"

"...Yes."

Patchouli shook her head, "I think the rest of the world would shout at me for saying this (Remilia especially) but no. It's not bad. It's just who you are. And you'll either have it or you won't, but I don't think that necessarily changes the value of one's life. And it's not a deafness as much as it is a different frequency. And it doesn't mean that you're preponderant to hate as I can attest. And it certainly doesn't mean that you're a bad person, Sakuya."

Sakuya shook her head, "It's weird. On the one hand, I honestly don't feel like I have an interest in it. At least, in the same way that I would have an interest in food if I were hungry, or that others seem to have when they haven't talked to anyone in a long time. But on the other hand, I still can't help but feel like I'm incredibly immature because of this.

Sakuya outstretched her palms so as to gaze upon them, "Koakuma looked so hapless, helpless, and hopeless, and not only did I have no idea what to do, but I couldn't even begin to empathize or even understand what was going on."

"It's like you have an academic or intellectual interest, but not an emotional interest in it."

"Yeah."

"Hm," Patchouli paused, "I don't think getting into a romantic relationship solely for the boon of some sort of social intelligence would be a wise thing to do. In fact, most people would take it as-"

Sakuya realized Patchouli's argument and completed her sentence, "Completely sociopathic."

Patchouli nodded, "Yeah."

"I mean, I understand that much. I can understand that Koakuma has felt great pain and great joy-"

"Then what more do you need to know?"

"Well-"

Patchouli chuckled, "I can't believe that I'd ever say this, but I think you're overthinking this Sakuya."

She stroked Sakuya's head, "If it happens, then it happens. If it doesn't, then it doesn't. Don't worry about it. You'll have your own way of living your life, and if involves the kind of experiences that Koakuma has, then fine, and if it doesn't and you find something else, that's fine."

Sakuya took a deep breath, letting the event and what she had learned sink in.

"Lady Remilia...she didn't happen to orchestrate the entire thing, did she?"

Patchouli shook her head, "No. Besides," she stepped away from Sakuya, walking back to the library, "She doesn't particularly like facing off against an angry Sakuya."


End file.
